memories

"I get stressed out trying to remember specific details about a memory, recent or distant in time. I have to accept that our brains are not meant to store that many details, especially those I did not even notice while living the moment. I do remember glimpses of images of places and people. And some random details like clothes and the weather. What I do remember easily is what I was feeling.

The tranquility when I feel the sun against my skin and my hair wet and loose at the beach.

The nostalgia of my grandmother's smell.

The excitement as I squish my mom's hand as my favorite artist was about to come onstage.

The good kind of nerves that come with butterflies in my stomach when he asks me to be his wife.

The inner peace when he is so close the only thing I can make out is his smile and his heartbeat.

The rising fear before that flight accompanied by sweaty hands, struggled breathing and a racing heart.

The pain on my chest when we broke up.

The shame when a friend betrays you in middle school.

The childish joy when I listen to my siblings sing.

The sense of security when my dad places his palm on the back of my neck before crossing the street. The pure calm while a light breeze moves my hammock on a warm day with familiar voices in the background.

And while I wished I could just press Play on an immersive movie of that day.

Maybe it is our brains' way of telling us to not dwell in the past and focus on the present.

Maybe it is a matter of time: how many hours of my day would I spend watching TV then?

Still, I cling to those I relish.

Those people and places that make up my essence.

Interwoven with who I am."